Have you ever been in a situation where you blamed others for your bad fortune? You know, someone cuts you off in traffic, or a guy you meet turns out to be a total player. Ohhh pumpkin, whatever happened, there was no possible way it was your fault. Well,... guess what, that’s a huge blatant lie, hoax, falsehood, con,... whatever you want to label it, just treat it like fruitcake and say ‘no thank you.’ There is no power in being the victim of your life.
Yes, I said VICTIM. As soon as we mentally say, ‘I had no power over the situation,’ we nodded ourselves into wearing the out-of-fashion victim hat.
A guy I dated few months in 2008, still randomly texts me. I do not respond to any of his texts, not even the Happy Valentines Day (oh please). I won’t send back a "stop texting me" message; it is not worth my time [indifference is more powerful statement than anger]. Persistent he has; my effort and attention he lost a long time ago. My attention is valuable. I am not giving any more energy to him aside from making him example for you to learn from.
You’re thinking "Solange, it’s not your fault he’s texting you." Since I figured out this victim thing, I say it is totally my fault. I say it is because I allowed him to text me when we were together.
I absolutely hate texting. I am an old school girl, call me on the phone. Meet me in person to talk about our dreams, not in 140 characters or less. So when he started to text me, I did not ask him to stop. I did not say, "I’m a bit old school, so if we are going to get to know each other, it’s going to be thru phone calls." My mistake numero uno.
I also allowed him to continue to think we were compatible. When we parted, we did not have a conversation on why we do not work romantically. He is very non-confrontational, so I could not get him to discuss our breaking up if I had Ed McMahon with his million-dollar check crew behind me. We just stopped calling each other. In my not telling him why I know we are incompatible, he still thinks there’s a chance. I did not insist on closure, so this is why I get random texts asking why I won’t talk to him. It’s all my fault. I am here, getting random text bombs, because I did not do what I was supposed to do. I totally, without any reservation, blame myself.
How is blaming myself going to empower me? We definitely know proclaiming yourself as a victim dis-empowers you. Thus, the opposite must empower you. In knowing and accepting that I did this to myself, I won’t ever let it happen again. If I say I caused it, I acknowledge that I have the power to stop myself from being there again. You can call Vegas to bet on the next guy who I date won’t be texting me.
Do you see that if you play the victim, you never analyze the events that lead you to where you are today? You in essence threw your hands up in the air, fell to the ground in your toga, saying in ancient greek, "please gods of fate have mercy on me." You have just succumbed to the worst hoax; the hoax that other factors or people control over your life.
Take back the helm of the USS Your Life. The only way you can steer to ship towards the goals you want out of life is to take full responsibility for every aspect of your life. Honestly, you deserve the life, how ever good or bad, which you have now. That’s hard to hear. The truth is like that.
Imagine a minor car accident you caused. After that fender bender, we are much more alert to the proximity of cars to our vehicle. You may even drive slower. You took full blame for the accident, thus are taking action to not let it happen again.
Now imagine an accident you did not cause like a guy not checking his blindspot and clipping your car. Yet, you're still likley decided to drive more defensively after that accident because you don’t want another bozo smacking you. You drive with more distance between you and other cars. You watch for signs of cars merging into your lane without a blinker. You decide not to talk on your cell phone while driving anymore. You are taking action to not ever be an insurance liability again. Though the police did not cite you for the first accident, you take full responsibility for it being in it. Your stepping up, empowers you to self-determine your future. A victim-free future.
So I say, stack on the blame. I’m strong enough. I’m smart enough. I’m brave enough to see it as an opportunity to correct the course of my life. I will only reach my goals faster when I give myself the power of responsibility for my life.
In the court of my life, I’m jumping up and down, both hands waving in the air, screaming "I’m right here! Guilty as charged." Oh I see, your courtroom over there, and you’re starting to get up from your chair too. Great decision baby!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
What Can YOU Give Your Mentor?
Finding a great mentor is like the Quest for the Holy Grail. You know what you seek, but does it want you?
A mentor who can help reveal the secrets to thier success, thus injecting your mind with the same serum of success. The people you aim to have as mentors are usually behind layers of people from a receptionist, to an administrative assistant, to a personal assistant. I’m going to suggest a potent way to get these busy people’s attention.
In our world, you never get something for nothing. Even those timeshare tricks of getting you to stay at their resort for free, take half your day sequestered in their sales pitch room. Your time and attention was the trade-off for an afternoon poolside.
Your first question may be 'I’m early in my career path, what do I have to offer.' The winners in life are the imaginative. I am not saying winners are liars. Winners realized each person has unique gifts. You need to know how to tap into your unique power that can help those older and more established than you.
I am 37. I meet 100's of twenty-somethings yearly. I love talking to them. The reason why is they have insight on their generation's psyche, a generation almost 2 decades younger than me. Their generation will be the consumers and leaders of the future. I value the insight young minds, your young mind, for it gives me a path to better relating to their peers.
Do you see the value in being a teenager, a twenty-something? You know your group. You are soaked in with the Facebook, MySpace, and texting mentality. Any business owner needs insight to the minds of young consumers who will soon be power consumers. That’s what you offer to the older generation of business people.
So seek a mentor with the heart of helping them first. They will be ingratiate to you for your time and insights. The doors are then open for two way communication. Good luck. I’m waitng for you on the other side baby!
A mentor who can help reveal the secrets to thier success, thus injecting your mind with the same serum of success. The people you aim to have as mentors are usually behind layers of people from a receptionist, to an administrative assistant, to a personal assistant. I’m going to suggest a potent way to get these busy people’s attention.
In our world, you never get something for nothing. Even those timeshare tricks of getting you to stay at their resort for free, take half your day sequestered in their sales pitch room. Your time and attention was the trade-off for an afternoon poolside.
Your first question may be 'I’m early in my career path, what do I have to offer.' The winners in life are the imaginative. I am not saying winners are liars. Winners realized each person has unique gifts. You need to know how to tap into your unique power that can help those older and more established than you.
I am 37. I meet 100's of twenty-somethings yearly. I love talking to them. The reason why is they have insight on their generation's psyche, a generation almost 2 decades younger than me. Their generation will be the consumers and leaders of the future. I value the insight young minds, your young mind, for it gives me a path to better relating to their peers.
Do you see the value in being a teenager, a twenty-something? You know your group. You are soaked in with the Facebook, MySpace, and texting mentality. Any business owner needs insight to the minds of young consumers who will soon be power consumers. That’s what you offer to the older generation of business people.
So seek a mentor with the heart of helping them first. They will be ingratiate to you for your time and insights. The doors are then open for two way communication. Good luck. I’m waitng for you on the other side baby!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
You Look Like a Carburetor: Why Perception Is Within Us
If a stranger came from across a crowded room and said to you “Hey, you look like a carburetor,” what would you do? I can imagine you’d furrow your brow, probably say “What??” while thinking “this guy is loony tunes.”
What if you are a 110-lb woman who’s 5'2" tall, or a 160-lb man who’s 5’-10", and someone called you obese. You’d respond similarly to when the guy called you a carburetor. 'What are they talking about? May be in Ethiopia I'm corpulent at best.'
What if it was your best friend calling you a porker when you wear size 4 pants or have a 32-inch waist. You’d immediately make them to sit down and drink some ice water for surely he/she has a fever making him/her delirious. What they are saying just doesn’t make sense!
You know the falsehood of those two statements because no where inside of you do you believe you are a carburetor nor believe that you’re dangerously overweight for your frame. This is the key. I know you are not these things.
What if someone, someone who knows you well, says you’re lazy or you are not doing your best. These two hypothetical statements are likely to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially from a person they like and admire. You may even be mad. I know I would, because I did.
Last week, I had a very low moment. My Dad is also my business partner. He started our engineering firm, yet now is a minor partner in his retirement. With the tight economy cutting our clients down to a few, he said “Your traveling too much thus clients are thinking you don’t work hard enough.” I blew up like Old Faithful. I started defending myself, yelling at my Dad. And yes, I started crying too because that’s my release mechanism for pent up stress.
In looking back at this horrible day when I’m yelling at my 70-yr old father, I am totally embarrassed. What if my Dad had said, “Your traveling too much, thus our clients think you are a carburetor.” I would have tilted my head to the side and said “what?” There would have been no volatile emotion, no screaming at a 70-yr old man, no crying in the parking lot of our clients’ office.
I blew up because somewhere inside me, the economic reduction our business touched my insecurities about being a good business owner. Somewhere I felt like a failure for having to let staff go. Somewhere inside, I am thinking I am not working hard enough to get more new projects.
I assure you, I don’t know anyone else who wakes up at 4:15am, rolls into work at 6:00am and stays until 7pm. I work 52-hrs by Thursdays. I can prove, without a doubt, that I am not lazy.
I have rationed my time to complete all my work by Thursday so I can leave on Friday to do leadership seminars to colleges. These talks with students I feel are drastically needed in our nation’s economic downturn. The college students are beginning to doubt their abilities to get jobs, thus doubt the wisdom of choosing engineering as a career. In my eyes, if the young lose faith in engineering as a solid career, then America has lost a great hope for the future. Thus, I drag myself out of bed at 4:15am so I can be in front of wide-eyed students looking to me for any sign of hope on a Friday afternoon in Some Collegetown, USA.
Even though I know it is noble to devote myself to the betterment of the future of engineering, I have insecurities about my business profit being way down, thus the statement of my not working hard enough was just a knife into an insecure scab of my psyche. In seeing how I reacted, I now see the weakness in my mind that I must fortify.
I have to affirm to myself I am doing everything I can this week at work. I have a plan to make new connections, and to maintain the clients we have. I have to reinforce to myself that I 150% hard working and determined to succeed in business. It’s all inside of me. The power of perceiving my world is inside of me.
It’s a new line of thinking that will take conscious effort and time to absorb, for your first knee-jerk reaction is likely boiling emotion. Yet try, next time someone says a remark which starts to irk you, try to pause and see what hurts inside of you. You’ll see that you, and only you, give their comment validity. If you can react as though they called you a “carburetor,” then you’ve mastered your insecurities.
This is what that would look like:
Dad: “Solange, when you travel every week, our client’s think you’re a carburetor.”
Solange: “Hmm Dad, I’m not sure what you mean by that. It sounds like they think being gone one day a week makes me a carburetor. Is that it?”
Dad: “Well, I think it’s about their calling when you are not there that makes it look like you’re a carburetor.”
Solange: “OK, they’re used to getting people on the phone immediately. I can see that. How can we fortify to them that I am actually not a carburetor, and that I’m here 4-days a week from 6am to 7pm to assist them with any issues.
Dad: “Well, I guess we can emphasize that you have a cell phone which gets emails at anytime.”
Solange: “Thanks Dad, I’ll start being more communicative with our clients on my travel dates. Hopefully, this will negate any thoughts of me being a carburetor.”
Now replace every instance of “a carburetor” above with “not dedicated.” In your life, I want you to do the reverse. Feel free to use my carburetor. I don't know what a carburetor looks like nor really what it does for a car. All I know is I am not one.
PS-You’re the best looking carburetor I’ve ever seen. Take your best self out there to be the master your insecurities baby!
What if you are a 110-lb woman who’s 5'2" tall, or a 160-lb man who’s 5’-10", and someone called you obese. You’d respond similarly to when the guy called you a carburetor. 'What are they talking about? May be in Ethiopia I'm corpulent at best.'
What if it was your best friend calling you a porker when you wear size 4 pants or have a 32-inch waist. You’d immediately make them to sit down and drink some ice water for surely he/she has a fever making him/her delirious. What they are saying just doesn’t make sense!
You know the falsehood of those two statements because no where inside of you do you believe you are a carburetor nor believe that you’re dangerously overweight for your frame. This is the key. I know you are not these things.
What if someone, someone who knows you well, says you’re lazy or you are not doing your best. These two hypothetical statements are likely to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially from a person they like and admire. You may even be mad. I know I would, because I did.
Last week, I had a very low moment. My Dad is also my business partner. He started our engineering firm, yet now is a minor partner in his retirement. With the tight economy cutting our clients down to a few, he said “Your traveling too much thus clients are thinking you don’t work hard enough.” I blew up like Old Faithful. I started defending myself, yelling at my Dad. And yes, I started crying too because that’s my release mechanism for pent up stress.
In looking back at this horrible day when I’m yelling at my 70-yr old father, I am totally embarrassed. What if my Dad had said, “Your traveling too much, thus our clients think you are a carburetor.” I would have tilted my head to the side and said “what?” There would have been no volatile emotion, no screaming at a 70-yr old man, no crying in the parking lot of our clients’ office.
I blew up because somewhere inside me, the economic reduction our business touched my insecurities about being a good business owner. Somewhere I felt like a failure for having to let staff go. Somewhere inside, I am thinking I am not working hard enough to get more new projects.
I assure you, I don’t know anyone else who wakes up at 4:15am, rolls into work at 6:00am and stays until 7pm. I work 52-hrs by Thursdays. I can prove, without a doubt, that I am not lazy.
I have rationed my time to complete all my work by Thursday so I can leave on Friday to do leadership seminars to colleges. These talks with students I feel are drastically needed in our nation’s economic downturn. The college students are beginning to doubt their abilities to get jobs, thus doubt the wisdom of choosing engineering as a career. In my eyes, if the young lose faith in engineering as a solid career, then America has lost a great hope for the future. Thus, I drag myself out of bed at 4:15am so I can be in front of wide-eyed students looking to me for any sign of hope on a Friday afternoon in Some Collegetown, USA.
Even though I know it is noble to devote myself to the betterment of the future of engineering, I have insecurities about my business profit being way down, thus the statement of my not working hard enough was just a knife into an insecure scab of my psyche. In seeing how I reacted, I now see the weakness in my mind that I must fortify.
I have to affirm to myself I am doing everything I can this week at work. I have a plan to make new connections, and to maintain the clients we have. I have to reinforce to myself that I 150% hard working and determined to succeed in business. It’s all inside of me. The power of perceiving my world is inside of me.
It’s a new line of thinking that will take conscious effort and time to absorb, for your first knee-jerk reaction is likely boiling emotion. Yet try, next time someone says a remark which starts to irk you, try to pause and see what hurts inside of you. You’ll see that you, and only you, give their comment validity. If you can react as though they called you a “carburetor,” then you’ve mastered your insecurities.
This is what that would look like:
Dad: “Solange, when you travel every week, our client’s think you’re a carburetor.”
Solange: “Hmm Dad, I’m not sure what you mean by that. It sounds like they think being gone one day a week makes me a carburetor. Is that it?”
Dad: “Well, I think it’s about their calling when you are not there that makes it look like you’re a carburetor.”
Solange: “OK, they’re used to getting people on the phone immediately. I can see that. How can we fortify to them that I am actually not a carburetor, and that I’m here 4-days a week from 6am to 7pm to assist them with any issues.
Dad: “Well, I guess we can emphasize that you have a cell phone which gets emails at anytime.”
Solange: “Thanks Dad, I’ll start being more communicative with our clients on my travel dates. Hopefully, this will negate any thoughts of me being a carburetor.”
Now replace every instance of “a carburetor” above with “not dedicated.” In your life, I want you to do the reverse. Feel free to use my carburetor. I don't know what a carburetor looks like nor really what it does for a car. All I know is I am not one.
PS-You’re the best looking carburetor I’ve ever seen. Take your best self out there to be the master your insecurities baby!
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