Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Blame-Game: A Win-Win for Your Life

Have you ever been in a situation where you blamed others for your bad fortune? You know, someone cuts you off in traffic, or a guy you meet turns out to be a total player. Ohhh pumpkin, whatever happened, there was no possible way it was your fault. Well,... guess what, that’s a huge blatant lie, hoax, falsehood, con,... whatever you want to label it, just treat it like fruitcake and say ‘no thank you.’ There is no power in being the victim of your life.

Yes, I said VICTIM. As soon as we mentally say, ‘I had no power over the situation,’ we nodded ourselves into wearing the out-of-fashion victim hat.

A guy I dated few months in 2008, still randomly texts me. I do not respond to any of his texts, not even the Happy Valentines Day (oh please). I won’t send back a "stop texting me" message; it is not worth my time [indifference is more powerful statement than anger]. Persistent he has; my effort and attention he lost a long time ago. My attention is valuable. I am not giving any more energy to him aside from making him example for you to learn from.

You’re thinking "Solange, it’s not your fault he’s texting you." Since I figured out this victim thing, I say it is totally my fault. I say it is because I allowed him to text me when we were together.

I absolutely hate texting. I am an old school girl, call me on the phone. Meet me in person to talk about our dreams, not in 140 characters or less. So when he started to text me, I did not ask him to stop. I did not say, "I’m a bit old school, so if we are going to get to know each other, it’s going to be thru phone calls." My mistake numero uno.

I also allowed him to continue to think we were compatible. When we parted, we did not have a conversation on why we do not work romantically. He is very non-confrontational, so I could not get him to discuss our breaking up if I had Ed McMahon with his million-dollar check crew behind me. We just stopped calling each other. In my not telling him why I know we are incompatible, he still thinks there’s a chance. I did not insist on closure, so this is why I get random texts asking why I won’t talk to him. It’s all my fault. I am here, getting random text bombs, because I did not do what I was supposed to do. I totally, without any reservation, blame myself.

How is blaming myself going to empower me? We definitely know proclaiming yourself as a victim dis-empowers you. Thus, the opposite must empower you. In knowing and accepting that I did this to myself, I won’t ever let it happen again. If I say I caused it, I acknowledge that I have the power to stop myself from being there again. You can call Vegas to bet on the next guy who I date won’t be texting me.

Do you see that if you play the victim, you never analyze the events that lead you to where you are today? You in essence threw your hands up in the air, fell to the ground in your toga, saying in ancient greek, "please gods of fate have mercy on me." You have just succumbed to the worst hoax; the hoax that other factors or people control over your life.

Take back the helm of the USS Your Life. The only way you can steer to ship towards the goals you want out of life is to take full responsibility for every aspect of your life. Honestly, you deserve the life, how ever good or bad, which you have now. That’s hard to hear. The truth is like that.

Imagine a minor car accident you caused. After that fender bender, we are much more alert to the proximity of cars to our vehicle. You may even drive slower. You took full blame for the accident, thus are taking action to not let it happen again.

Now imagine an accident you did not cause like a guy not checking his blindspot and clipping your car. Yet, you're still likley decided to drive more defensively after that accident because you don’t want another bozo smacking you. You drive with more distance between you and other cars. You watch for signs of cars merging into your lane without a blinker. You decide not to talk on your cell phone while driving anymore. You are taking action to not ever be an insurance liability again. Though the police did not cite you for the first accident, you take full responsibility for it being in it. Your stepping up, empowers you to self-determine your future. A victim-free future.

So I say, stack on the blame. I’m strong enough. I’m smart enough. I’m brave enough to see it as an opportunity to correct the course of my life. I will only reach my goals faster when I give myself the power of responsibility for my life.

In the court of my life, I’m jumping up and down, both hands waving in the air, screaming "I’m right here! Guilty as charged." Oh I see, your courtroom over there, and you’re starting to get up from your chair too. Great decision baby!

1 comment:

  1. Solange,
    What a great way to keep focused on the what-we-can-do vs. the what-we-can't. I know what you mean...I catch myself chalking mistakes up to chance, when there's always a lesson to be learned from something going wrong. Keep it up Solange!

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